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Knowing (A Caregiver's Manifesto)
Knowing he is sick is waking up in the middle of the night to see if he's still breathing.
Knowing he is sick is counting the seconds between breaths, between heartbeats.
Knowing he is sick is having nightmares instead of dreams.
Knowing he is sick is hating to leave him each morning.
Knowing he is sick is holding my breath whenever my cell phone is without a signal.
Knowing he is sick is my heart skipping a beat whenever that cell phone rings.
Knowing he is sick is thanking God for every sunrise we see together, and cursing Fate for potentially robbing us of so many more.
Knowing he is sick is watching him trying to catch his breath after taking a shower.
Knowing he is sick is tying his shoes because if he does it, he gets too dizzy.
Knowing he is sick is counting pills and living between doctors' visits.
Knowing he is sick is debt I can never repay nor ever care about because he is alive.
Knowing he is sick is being willing to sell my soul to heal him.
Knowing he is sick is knowing he may die before his time.
Knowing he is sick is understanding I am inadequate, that I cannot protect him, that I cannot save him.
Knowing he is sick is being so close to the edge I need to scream, but my voice falling silent because I secretly fear no one is listening.
Knowing he is sick is feeling alone, even in a sea of caring people.
Knowing he is sick is having to hear, "I'm sorry," and thinking, "not as much as I am."
Knowing he is sick is hearing stories that start with, "My cousin knows so-and-so who had a heart attack and he(she, they) is (are) just fine."
Knowing he is sick is not giving one damn iota for so-and-so's experience.
Knowing he is sick is realizing one person's illness is not our own experience.
Knowing he is sick is me not being afraid to tell someone so.
Knowing he is sick is grieving a death that hasn't happened yet.
Knowing he is sick is having to plan my future without him.
Knowing he is sick is planning a funeral "just in case."
Knowing he is sick is being impotent in the face of fear but brave enough to fight and claw for every moment, for whatever he needs.
Knowing he is sick is being exhausted ALL THE TIME but still finding the energy to smile.
Knowing he is sick is stupid random things making me cry because it reminds me of him.
Knowing he is sick is sadness so deep and so empty it is indescribable.
Knowing he is sick is accepting our lives have changed forever, even though he's not.
Knowing he is sick is loving him more deeply, more passionately and more truly because whatever time we have left is all that matters.
Knowing he is sick is waking up in the middle of the night to see if he's still breathing.
Knowing he is sick is counting the seconds between breaths, between heartbeats.
Knowing he is sick is having nightmares instead of dreams.
Knowing he is sick is hating to leave him each morning.
Knowing he is sick is holding my breath whenever my cell phone is without a signal.
Knowing he is sick is my heart skipping a beat whenever that cell phone rings.
Knowing he is sick is thanking God for every sunrise we see together, and cursing Fate for potentially robbing us of so many more.
Knowing he is sick is watching him trying to catch his breath after taking a shower.
Knowing he is sick is tying his shoes because if he does it, he gets too dizzy.
Knowing he is sick is counting pills and living between doctors' visits.
Knowing he is sick is debt I can never repay nor ever care about because he is alive.
Knowing he is sick is being willing to sell my soul to heal him.
Knowing he is sick is knowing he may die before his time.
Knowing he is sick is understanding I am inadequate, that I cannot protect him, that I cannot save him.
Knowing he is sick is being so close to the edge I need to scream, but my voice falling silent because I secretly fear no one is listening.
Knowing he is sick is feeling alone, even in a sea of caring people.
Knowing he is sick is having to hear, "I'm sorry," and thinking, "not as much as I am."
Knowing he is sick is hearing stories that start with, "My cousin knows so-and-so who had a heart attack and he(she, they) is (are) just fine."
Knowing he is sick is not giving one damn iota for so-and-so's experience.
Knowing he is sick is realizing one person's illness is not our own experience.
Knowing he is sick is me not being afraid to tell someone so.
Knowing he is sick is grieving a death that hasn't happened yet.
Knowing he is sick is having to plan my future without him.
Knowing he is sick is planning a funeral "just in case."
Knowing he is sick is being impotent in the face of fear but brave enough to fight and claw for every moment, for whatever he needs.
Knowing he is sick is being exhausted ALL THE TIME but still finding the energy to smile.
Knowing he is sick is stupid random things making me cry because it reminds me of him.
Knowing he is sick is sadness so deep and so empty it is indescribable.
Knowing he is sick is accepting our lives have changed forever, even though he's not.
Knowing he is sick is loving him more deeply, more passionately and more truly because whatever time we have left is all that matters.
Deviation Actions
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